He lay in the grass, immobile, shirt unbuttoned, allowing the sun to caress his bare skin. A skin so smooth and perfect, it seemed barely human. With his white, too chiselled chest, he looked like an ancient Greek statue. Sunshine reflected from his pale face, and beneath closed lids, his eyes twitched almost imperceptibly; he wasn’t sleeping.
One thought about the original description: In the Twilight books, one of the premises is that vampires actually glow in direct sunlight, which is why they have to stay out of it. Consequently, all the incandescent stuff isn't exactly overwritten--it's intended as a literal description of Edward sunning himself, which he feels free to do when only Bella is around.
On the discussion of the sexuality of vampires below, classically, their sexuality wasn't usually an issue. The emphasis in the folklore is on their drinking blood (and sometimes eating flesh). They may occasionally lure people with sexuality--common for many supernaturals in folklore--but I can't remember too many comments on the creature's sexual preference, just on the dietary preferences. Also, remember that they reproduce asexually. It's only in recent times that vampires came to be seen as sexual beings.
Fun fact: Just as Mark Twain was inspired to write by feeling sure he could do better than James Fenimore Cooper, so John Conroe was inspired to write by feeling sure he could do better than Stephanie Meyer. "Vampires don't friggen sparkle," was his first reaction. Well, he probably didn't do better in terms of sales, but he did create many books in the popular Demon Accord series, without a single sparkling vampire to be seen anywhere. Ironically, his vampires are as nontraditional as Meyer's, though in different ways.
"Style isn’t stretching too little butter over too much bread. Style is how we choose to piece together thoughts in an aesthetically pleasing manner." Hear, hear!
A rewrite I like? My own: A beautiful boy lay in the grass, so still I thought him part of the marble slab beneath him. Yet, a graveyard monument to young manhood --- what terrible occurrence killed him? Where are the beginning and end dates of his earthly time? --- would be holy, not a bare-chested god glowing in the sun who tempted one to crawl on top of him to feel his muscled arms stronger in death than in life. There was no evidence of his demise. No war shield. No wound. His face bore no ravages of disease. No pithy epitaph chiseled at his feet revealed his philosophy, if in fact the young have any wisdom to impart other than forget thoughts of death. Dum spiro, spero.
I love this! Such a nice challenge.
Here's my attempt:
He lay in the grass, immobile, shirt unbuttoned, allowing the sun to caress his bare skin. A skin so smooth and perfect, it seemed barely human. With his white, too chiselled chest, he looked like an ancient Greek statue. Sunshine reflected from his pale face, and beneath closed lids, his eyes twitched almost imperceptibly; he wasn’t sleeping.
Fascinating exercise!
One thought about the original description: In the Twilight books, one of the premises is that vampires actually glow in direct sunlight, which is why they have to stay out of it. Consequently, all the incandescent stuff isn't exactly overwritten--it's intended as a literal description of Edward sunning himself, which he feels free to do when only Bella is around.
On the discussion of the sexuality of vampires below, classically, their sexuality wasn't usually an issue. The emphasis in the folklore is on their drinking blood (and sometimes eating flesh). They may occasionally lure people with sexuality--common for many supernaturals in folklore--but I can't remember too many comments on the creature's sexual preference, just on the dietary preferences. Also, remember that they reproduce asexually. It's only in recent times that vampires came to be seen as sexual beings.
Fun fact: Just as Mark Twain was inspired to write by feeling sure he could do better than James Fenimore Cooper, so John Conroe was inspired to write by feeling sure he could do better than Stephanie Meyer. "Vampires don't friggen sparkle," was his first reaction. Well, he probably didn't do better in terms of sales, but he did create many books in the popular Demon Accord series, without a single sparkling vampire to be seen anywhere. Ironically, his vampires are as nontraditional as Meyer's, though in different ways.
"Style isn’t stretching too little butter over too much bread. Style is how we choose to piece together thoughts in an aesthetically pleasing manner." Hear, hear!
I liked the Woolf. (Twilight fans could take that as a pun, I guess.) You’re convincing me that style and content can’t be separated.
Well, you can't choose how to say a thing without anything to say, but given what we want to communicate, there are many ways to say it.
Thaddeus, I love your "Twilight" rewrite. Perfect!!
Bravo this is a fantastic exercise! I like the McCarthy version best, but I’m partial to his writing.
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I'm a McCarthy fan myself.
A rewrite I like? My own: A beautiful boy lay in the grass, so still I thought him part of the marble slab beneath him. Yet, a graveyard monument to young manhood --- what terrible occurrence killed him? Where are the beginning and end dates of his earthly time? --- would be holy, not a bare-chested god glowing in the sun who tempted one to crawl on top of him to feel his muscled arms stronger in death than in life. There was no evidence of his demise. No war shield. No wound. His face bore no ravages of disease. No pithy epitaph chiseled at his feet revealed his philosophy, if in fact the young have any wisdom to impart other than forget thoughts of death. Dum spiro, spero.
I love it. But where's the sparkly vampire? ✨️ 😆
My vampire ain't gay.
You’re right. Classically, vampires are bisexual.
Now you’ve put into my head Cormac McCarthy writing Twilight, and I would be fascinated to read THAT.
Irresistible. I agree. 😄