You've got many great lines in this piece, and give us facts in a subtle way, for example.
She wondered if he’d snored in that woman’s bed. (Yep, he was unfaithful AND mean to her.)
Her cake tasted lonely. (Cake is a treat, but it might as well taste like onions. Poisons have beautiful names: Belladonna, Nightshade, Marriage.)
Green-and-jolly trolleyed down the track. (Love the injection of jolly-trolley, which reminds me of the Christmas lyric: Hand a holly-jolly Christmas, say hello to folks you know….)
The bus hissed like a cat and sighed like an old man. (So many older people have pets, so it’s perfect.)
and joined the little green line as the jolly trolleyed to a stop. (Changing noun to a verb … you wrote about that. Use this as a perfect example.)
“Transplanted from Virginia.” Elizabeth’s voice caught in her throat, choked by all she’d left behind. (Perhaps people from the South will understand this in a way others won’t. It’s the melancholy that pervades the defeated even though, in the present, the South has risen again, and the graceful manners, gentility, and longing for an elegant past.
The holy man feels nothing, and nothing touches him. It was by emotion that I fell into this pit and by emotions all men are made undone. Cauterize the heart and steel the mind. Set ice upon thy veins, for the casting off of all emotion is the key to acceptance before God, His angels, and the parole board. (Spectacular! The holy man separates himself from the profanity and banality of life; transcends and then becomes, haughty which gives a foundation for the bitterness to come. Cauterize --- great word choice. And then the great Biblical cadence until the list ends with ..the parole board. The hard reality that indicates the truth that Theordore may be a cynic, thus caustic towards his wife.)
Theodora drove an electric hearse
that sang an aria in reverse.
(The rhyme breaks up the narrative, and interjecting a dark levity makes the story more interesting. Because the plot is dark, and telling of it sad, this twist adds a wryness I love.)
“You’re carrying it for me, darling. You’re carrying a weight once carried by others before you, generations of women gone and buried, and it’s far too much for your tiny shoulders.” ( Good example of a typical narcissistic compliment and pretense of caring.)
“I’d say I feel empty, but there isn’t even a form to be empty or full. There’s just nothing.” (If ever there was a statement of nihilism, this is it.)
Scared him, I guess. (Ya think? Serves him right, too! And this is the first time Lizzie reacts as though she’s seen the light and is enjoying it. We know, she’s going to be okay.)
The spare bedroom door swung open on silent hinges. Theodore sat on the end of the bed,…. (So, they no longer sleep together by this time.)
unzipping his face like God undoing his creation. (Great line.)
Could the piece be shortened? Sure, but whether it is or not depends on where you submit it to, and guidelines regarding length. It was tough reading for me in places, speaking as a widow because of suicide -- but it certainly reflects the deep despair, wrought of selfishness of the suicide-inclined person. He think she should want death as much as he does, but it's not the case: he wants to manipulate her into death. Supreme power. Nice literary handling of a (seemingly) delicate subject. As a noir gal myself, I like clobbering with a feather's touch.
You've got many great lines in this piece, and give us facts in a subtle way, for example.
She wondered if he’d snored in that woman’s bed. (Yep, he was unfaithful AND mean to her.)
Her cake tasted lonely. (Cake is a treat, but it might as well taste like onions. Poisons have beautiful names: Belladonna, Nightshade, Marriage.)
Green-and-jolly trolleyed down the track. (Love the injection of jolly-trolley, which reminds me of the Christmas lyric: Hand a holly-jolly Christmas, say hello to folks you know….)
The bus hissed like a cat and sighed like an old man. (So many older people have pets, so it’s perfect.)
and joined the little green line as the jolly trolleyed to a stop. (Changing noun to a verb … you wrote about that. Use this as a perfect example.)
“Transplanted from Virginia.” Elizabeth’s voice caught in her throat, choked by all she’d left behind. (Perhaps people from the South will understand this in a way others won’t. It’s the melancholy that pervades the defeated even though, in the present, the South has risen again, and the graceful manners, gentility, and longing for an elegant past.
The holy man feels nothing, and nothing touches him. It was by emotion that I fell into this pit and by emotions all men are made undone. Cauterize the heart and steel the mind. Set ice upon thy veins, for the casting off of all emotion is the key to acceptance before God, His angels, and the parole board. (Spectacular! The holy man separates himself from the profanity and banality of life; transcends and then becomes, haughty which gives a foundation for the bitterness to come. Cauterize --- great word choice. And then the great Biblical cadence until the list ends with ..the parole board. The hard reality that indicates the truth that Theordore may be a cynic, thus caustic towards his wife.)
Theodora drove an electric hearse
that sang an aria in reverse.
(The rhyme breaks up the narrative, and interjecting a dark levity makes the story more interesting. Because the plot is dark, and telling of it sad, this twist adds a wryness I love.)
“You’re carrying it for me, darling. You’re carrying a weight once carried by others before you, generations of women gone and buried, and it’s far too much for your tiny shoulders.” ( Good example of a typical narcissistic compliment and pretense of caring.)
“I’d say I feel empty, but there isn’t even a form to be empty or full. There’s just nothing.” (If ever there was a statement of nihilism, this is it.)
Scared him, I guess. (Ya think? Serves him right, too! And this is the first time Lizzie reacts as though she’s seen the light and is enjoying it. We know, she’s going to be okay.)
The spare bedroom door swung open on silent hinges. Theodore sat on the end of the bed,…. (So, they no longer sleep together by this time.)
unzipping his face like God undoing his creation. (Great line.)
Could the piece be shortened? Sure, but whether it is or not depends on where you submit it to, and guidelines regarding length. It was tough reading for me in places, speaking as a widow because of suicide -- but it certainly reflects the deep despair, wrought of selfishness of the suicide-inclined person. He think she should want death as much as he does, but it's not the case: he wants to manipulate her into death. Supreme power. Nice literary handling of a (seemingly) delicate subject. As a noir gal myself, I like clobbering with a feather's touch.
Thank you. And you've read both this and the first draft so thank you twice.