It's a lovely unravelling of the present to the past and how you kept the key moment until the end.
Two notes:
1) Great opening line. However, the two paragraphs that follow are rushed - I would use white space to allow the key moments to breathe, such as "smile motherfucker, smile" and trim back parts of the explanation to focus on the gr…
It's a lovely unravelling of the present to the past and how you kept the key moment until the end.
Two notes:
1) Great opening line. However, the two paragraphs that follow are rushed - I would use white space to allow the key moments to breathe, such as "smile motherfucker, smile" and trim back parts of the explanation to focus on the grievance and the action.
2) I understand who and what, but not where Theodore is in the first scene. I don't have a visual picture until he is pushed into the police car. Who are the damned? Is he outside, inside, somewhere official...? This tripped me up.
3) Love Theodora (nice mirror-imagery of her husband there, especially with the emotional insights) and using the trolley and department store to indicate the internal decay.
Good luck with your publication and submission. I am happy to promote it.
It's a lovely unravelling of the present to the past and how you kept the key moment until the end.
Two notes:
1) Great opening line. However, the two paragraphs that follow are rushed - I would use white space to allow the key moments to breathe, such as "smile motherfucker, smile" and trim back parts of the explanation to focus on the grievance and the action.
2) I understand who and what, but not where Theodore is in the first scene. I don't have a visual picture until he is pushed into the police car. Who are the damned? Is he outside, inside, somewhere official...? This tripped me up.
3) Love Theodora (nice mirror-imagery of her husband there, especially with the emotional insights) and using the trolley and department store to indicate the internal decay.
Good luck with your publication and submission. I am happy to promote it.
Thank you!